Out of Order

It started with a frog in the toilet.

Not a dead frog, but a very-much-alive-and-happy-to-be-here frog that had taken up residence in our upstairs bathroom while we were gone.

As we finished our furlough and prepared to move back to Bolivia, ending our time with a week-long missions conference, the #1 thing we looked forward to on our return was routine.  We talked about it often in the final month -- how nice it would be to be back in "our" house, with a schedule that doesn't change, tied to our work.

As I detailed in a previous post, furlough is a time of great instability.  It is often fun and enjoyable, but the stress of being continually unsettled wears on you to the point that you crave the "boring" structure of life in one place, with a fixed schedule.  Sounds just like what we live with here at Etnos . . . right?

Evidently not. 

In my last post, in which I detailed the events of Anne's arm breakage (she's doing well, by the way), I mentioned a few of the unsettling things that have occurred in our first three weeks back in Santa Cruz.  Allow me to lay them out a little more explicitly:

1.  We arrive totally worn out from the conference, goodbyes, packing, and travel

2.  Two weeks of cleaning, unpacking, and settling into the house

3.  Five days in, I begin teaching my classes. Kaylee starts homeschool a week later.

4.  A frog lives in the bathroom for several nights

5.  Visitors (whom we did not know) from the US

6.  I take on another hat, doing part time in the accounting office so I can cover for a coworker that is going on furlough in July

Learning how to run our monthly Etnos accounts with Karla

7.  Anne breaks her arm and I spend 2 days at the hospital with her

8.  A rat eats through the wires of the lights in our office (our most-used room in the house), prompting an unplanned remodel thereof.

9.  During said remodel, we find that termites have also moved in and are eating the joists.

Pulling out the ceiling FULL of mouse/rat nastiness

10.  Aforementioned rat plagues the house for a couple weeks, eating our bananas and avoiding all 4 types of traps that I set up.  Occasionally keeps us up at night.

11.  During this time, I have to take Anne into the city at least once a week for checkups

12.  Prompted by some generous friends, we start a new program on campus which causes massive stress (and several extra meetings) due to an unforeseen cultural issue.

13.  The rat visits Kaylee in the living room one evening, then runs up the stairs (where we sleep).  Not so much sleep that night.

14.  We discover that the rat has made a mess in our storage room, which leads to me spending a day patching holes and building another trap.

15.  Lydia turns 6, requiring an extra trip to town to buy her a bicycle.

16.  The UPS battery backup in the office bites the dust.  Another trip to town.

17.  We are in charge of the monthly Day of Prayer, adding more work for both Kaylee and I

18.  Lydia gets massively sick in her bed, resulting in midnight laundry (gross!!)

19.  We are approached by our leaders about the possibility of taking on some more responsibility

20. Today Anne starts daily physical therapy sessions with a lady from church.

Now, each of those things on its own isn't a big deal.  But to have all of that packed into 8 fast weeks was a lot, and we were feeling it.  We were tired, stressed, and fed up.  Trying to manage all of the distractions as well as maintain our daily responsibilities was becoming overwhelming.  We weren't sleeping well, either, which is never good. 

However, as we sludged through this past weekend, the future looked brighter and we went to bed Sunday night hoping and praying for a normal week.

Then, around 10:45pm, something started clattering around in the attic.  We hadn't seen or heard from the rat in several days, so we dejectedly assumed it had returned and was trying to get back in the house.  After listening to it clomp around on the very thin ceiling for over an hour, I tossed a poisoned banana up there.  Soon, our ears were greeted by a worse noise as it flopped around, evidently in throes of agony and death.  This lasted until after 2am.

So much for sleep.

In the morning, I could still hear scratching in the ceiling, but had no choice but to poke my head up into the attic, hoping to see a rat on the verge of death.  What I found instead was a very sick opossum.

Nathan: 1, 'Possum: 0

Because of the way our house has been cobbled together over the course of a couple of decades of remodeling, the attic is a mess of small spaces full of styrofoam, wires, spiderwebs, and rat droppings.  So I spent a couple hours trying to get at the opossum which had wedged itself down near the eave, between two sheets of styrofoam insulation.

Eventually she moved far enough into the open that I was able to get a good shot at her with my .22 pellet pistol and drag her out with a wire hook on the end of a pipe.

As I spent most of the remainder of the day patching holes in the wire mesh that covers our eaves, I remembered what it was that we craved so much on our return.

Routine.  Stability.  Structure. 

I mentioned it to Kaylee and we laughed (a good sign that we're still okay).  She reflected that maybe God was trying to show us that stability can be an idol just as much as anything else in life.  Are we relying too much on the security of home?  Does our comfort come from an unchanging agenda?  Are we seeking comfort and rest in a way of life, instead of in our Father?

Please pray for us. 

We want sleep.  We want a normal week (or day!).  We want our house to be a restful haven, free of pests.  We want to do our work in peace.  We want our kids to be healthy.  We want stability.

But all we need is Jesus.

Please pray that we would continue to flex.  That we would not break.  That we would adapt and persevere and follow God's will in faith.  Pray for the true Rest and true Peace that ought to be a part of our lives no matter the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  His order and His plan are perfect -- we just need the faith to follow Him.

"Whaddayamean it's CRAZY?"

"Crazy!" seems to be the the automatic response that proceeds from my mouth lately any time someone asks, "How's it going?" or "How has your furlough been?" or "How are you guys doing?"  Some people take it in stride.  Many respond with an expression of confusion or disbelief.  A few ask, "What do you mean by that?"

After all, isn't furlough supposed to be a time of rest?  Of spending time with people? Of root beer and pizza and hamburgers?  Well, yeah, it is, particularly the last bit. But that doesn't mean it's all fun and fluffy.

Please understand, this is not a complaint.  We are enjoying this time!  It just happens to be (like SO many things in the missionary life) a love-hate relationship.  I hope that this woefully inadequate explanation helps you understand us and your other missionary friends, and to know better how to pray for us.

The best way I can think of to describe "crazy" is this:  you know the way you feel at the end of vacation? No matter how good it was, or how much fun, there is that point near the end when the worn out, stressed, I-just-can't-wait-to-be-home feeling hits you.

We have had that feeling non-stop for about 7 months, now.  Here are some reasons why:

1.  Not a vacation

I know, I know.  I am apparently bumming around for 8 months without a job.  I travel, I meet people for coffee, I hang out.  If you look at my Facebook feed or previous blog posts, it appears that most of my time is spent taking photos of Montana scenery and doing fun things with my kids.  What do I have to complain about, really?

Gratuitous photo of aforementioned Montana scenery (Bridger Mountains, Bozeman)

I admit, I have spent a lot of time doing fun things with my kids.  We have gone fishing, investigated ghost towns, carved pumpkins, walked in the park, visited the library, gone sledding, and wandered aimlessly through the mountains, to name just a few.  The reason that we have done these things (and made a big deal of them!) is that they are not things that we can do in Bolivia.

Even so, we are still at work.

Kaylee carries her responsibilities wherever we go. Naturally, she has all of the same household duties here as in Bolivia.  She continues to homeschool the kids, in spite of the constant upheaval and weird schedules. Her social/hospitality role also remains largely unchanged.

My work, on the other hand, has changed drastically.  Instead of doing ministry at Etnos, I now get to talk about ministry at Etnos.  The majority of the travel that we have done in the past 7 months has been work related -- conferences, meetings, and presentations.  When not travelling, I am preparing for those events and working to get my materials ready for this year's classes at Etnos.  Even much of our social time ends up revolving around our life in Bolivia, as curious friends ask questions.

2. Missionary Marketing

Marketing: that is a missionary's basic job while on furlough.

It sounds rather pathetic, but when you boil it all down, the presentations and meetings that I just described pretty much amount to good advertising.  At least, that is often how we feel.

For better or for worse, the economic model under which we work requires us to seek out people who are willing to invest in our ministry.  We appreciate the personal nature it gives to our financial support, but we hate the self-promotion that is necessary (or expected) to sustain it.  We get tired of talking about ourselves. We feel self-conscious introducing ourselves to people, afraid they will think we're just after a donation.  Even with family and old friends who support us, we sometimes feel as though the $$$ were hanging over our heads.

Missionary Marketing 101

We want our supporters to be well-informed and engaged in what we are doing!  We want them to be able to see a return on their investment!  That requires a lot of writing while on the field (newsletters, blog, etc) and a lot of visits when on furlough. Usually, this is a joyful process of reporting "home," but we get tired of feeling like a couple of narcissists.

2.  Travel Fatigue

I used to enjoy travelling.  I still do, sometimes.  It can be a nice break when it is occasional -- as in, once or twice a year.

On the other hand, we have basically been "on a trip" for six months and counting. Within this trip, we have taken other trips.  In other words, we feel completely unstable, without the comforting structure of a routine.

Add to that the actual stresses of travel.  Long hours in the car.  Another drive thru. How much is this going to cost?  Unpack the car, carry it all up the stairs, sleep, pack up, haul down, leave.  So. Many. Times.

If it were just Kaylee and I, it would be a lot more manageable, but we have three daughters in the backseat.  Three little girls that are completely worn out and don't (and don't care to) understand why we're still on the road and just want to be home.

3.  Home?

Think about the last time you moved.  Was it an enjoyable experience?  Will it remain in your memory as something to cherish and memorialize?  I doubt it.

In our 11 few years of marriage, Kaylee and I have moved 23 times, counting only places we have lived for a month or longer.  An average of more than 2 per year.

TWENTY-THREE!!

Just by going on furlough, we move twice, and internationally to boot.  We pack up and store our Bolivia house, haul a little bit of it with us as we travel, and arrive in a Montana house. We unpack what we have in our storage shed, purchase or borrow whatever is lacking, and live a few months.  Then pack it all up again, haul some of it with us, and go back to unpack the first house.

Moving is one of the most traumatic experiences in a child's life.  We have taught our girls that wherever the 5 of us are, that is home.  That is the best earthly stability we can give them.  Yes, this instability carries the benefit of grounding our hope in an eternal home with Jesus, but that is tough enough for me to hold on to and almost impossible to pass on to my kids.

4.  Hurray for Friends!

Without a doubt, the best part of furlough is being with family and friends. We have been blessed by many opportunities to spend time with people we love.  It is so good to be able to sit with old friends (and new ones) and comment about life without thinking about which grammar structure is best suited to express it. Or wondering how to respond culturally.

We need the encouragement that these relationships provide.  Strange as it may seem, life on the mission field is often very lonely.  We are surrounded by people, yet good relationships that offer a deep give-and-take intimacy are very hard to come by.  So we want to spend as much time as possible with the people we love here.

Unfortunately, this, too, carries its share of stresses and craziness.  We know that we have limited time, so we tend to over-book our social calendar.  We want to spend as much time with people as we can in the time we have, but it seems like there is never enough.  More than once we have had to clear our calendar for the week, simply because our girls were worn out (not to mention Kaylee and I!).

Catching minnows with cousins

5. Protecting our kids

You may have noticed in the previous four points that "The Girls" have been a significant factor in making this furlough crazy.  To be honest, the hardest thing for me has been trying to gauge the needs of my children.  Too many late nights, too many hours in the car, too many new experiences, hellos, goodbyes, etc.

We are eager to show our daughters all of the things we love about life here: partly because it is important to us and partly because they are not Americans, but (to coin a word) AmeroBolivians.  Before this trip, they knew very little about life in the United States, yet this will most likely be their home once they leave ours, at least for a time.  We want them to be prepared for what they are going to experience, and furlough is the only opportunity we get.

But they have limits.  They are still little people that crave stability, sleep, and sanity, none of which are gained by hanging out with people 4+ nights a week or travelling cross-country.  They are tired of transitions and changes.  They are ready to go back to Bolivia.

In fact, I think we are all ready to go back.  We love Montana.  We love so many people here.  We love the freedom we feel.  We love the weather, the mountains, the trees!  This time has been such a blessing to us, in spite of the craziness.  We will be sad to leave, yet we are ready to get back to Etnos, if only for the stability and routine that returning will bring for our family.  And that's a good thing.

Wanderings

The furlough craziness continues!  At each turn we anticipate slowing down and finding rest, but it just doesn't seem to come.  We have talked about why we feel that way, because we aren't actually that busy and we've come to the conclusion that it has more to do with lack of routine.

We recently returned from a 3-week, 3410-mile journey through 7 states.  It was part business trip, part homeschool education trip, and all adventure.  God blessed us with good weather and no car trouble!

Our first big commitment was a debriefing that our home church sent us to in Colorado.  We drove to Denver a couple days early, where we spent a day with Kaylee's brothers, then visited Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs.

The debriefing was 5 days at a mountain retreat center and run by an organization called Mission Training International.  It was a great location, very peaceful.  Just the sort of place that a bunch of frazzled missionaries need! ;)

We spent our time with missionaries from all different organizations, different countries, different ministries, different denominations.  The one thing that tied us all together was the fellowship of being cross-cultural ministers. 

The program is a carefully designed combination of structured sessions and free time.  Subjects that we covered included: transition, stress, sacrifice, and the need for rest, rest, rest.  We shared our experiences and hurts and joys and struggles.  The kids were in their own classes, talking about the same issues, in an age-appropriate way.  

Kaylee and I instigated a couple of bonfire nights that were a great opportunity
to tell stories and get to know each other better

We came away from the week with a new desire to not only survive our ministry, but be a blessing to others so that they will survive theirs.

Following the debriefing, we took a couple days to travel across Kansas to Missouri, stopping at two of Laura Ingalls Wilder's houses along the way.  Kaylee and the girls have been using her books as literature/history/home-ec class as they homeschool and it was a fun way to bring her story to life.

Cabin reproduction on the Little House on the Prairie homestead
in Independence, Kansas

The house where Laura and Almanzo lived out their years
in Mansfield, Missouri

Our main purpose in going to Missouri was to return to the training center where we spent 2.5 years preparing to be cross-cultural missionaries and talk to the new students about the work in Bolivia.  

It was fun to show the girls around the area that was such a big part of our lives and where Anne and Addi were born.  Of course, we enjoyed the beautiful weather and the lake, too.

As we headed home, we took a slight detour to see Mt Rushmore!

Since returning, we have spent time with lots of people and I have had 2 more opportunities to talk about our ministry in Bolivia: at our Bible college and our home church.  We have also made the most of fall in Montana, our favorite season!